Constant lessons in Learning to Take Care of Myself

Happy birthday to me. I turn Six-Squared later this week. To "celebrate", I am getting TWO root canals done tomorrow. The 2 offending teeth get crowned next week.

This needs to be the wake-up call to learn to take better care of myself. All of myself. It is so much harder now.

That is all.

This is so funny it keeps me running

So I listen to the most unsavory catchy rap when I run. It keeps me going. It makes me want to dance and make a fool of myself. Usually the only thing that keeps me in check these days is the middle schoolers waiting for the bus at random places in the neighborhood, despite the fact that they are completely engrossed in their phones. I digress.

Combine the above with the fact that Firstborn says "Mo" for more, says "knee" perfectly, and refers to a slide on a playground as a "wee".

Now listen to this song. Namely the singing in the background once it gets started. It makes me laugh more now that I know it is Jamie Foxx, for some odd reason.

"She give me mo"

"When I'm a knee"

"I've got a wee"

That's what it sounds like to me. I have run to this song since the half marathon days (its even older than that), which was way before any pregnancies.  Back then I would sometimes listen to the rap lyrics, but this is completely a new and more hilarious thing now that I have a toddler who is learning to talk.

It may only be funny to me on runner's high. Right now as I change up the playlist on my Beloved iPod after 9 pm it is just weird.

Nursing, Grieving and Overcoming Shyness

(I'm going to try to stay on topic this time. Three short subjects unrelated to The Cuteness.)

So The Sgt is almost 11 months old and I am torn about weaning him. I'm not sure if it is my desire for him to stay a baby (who doesn't crawl very fast), or my selfish need to keep this metabolism going. Pumping is a beast, but lately the thing that works is a bottle of 3-4 oz of Momma Milk plus 2 oz of formula at night. He was an Evil Pacman Chomper for 1-2 months so I had to bust out the pump to help overcome my own personal trauma. I can't really postpone the inevitable, I suppose, so writing about it may help me work this out. Cow milk is way easier, but we go through a gallon in about 1.5 weeks. I think we might go through 2 gallons per week when The Sgt is weaned. We do organic. And don't even get me started on how much sippy cups are part of my life. Anyway, staying on topic. It has been super great to be able to provide the nutrition for my baby during his whole first year of life and I don't really want that to end. So silly. But yeah, I have held back on things for this kid #2 so much more, so I have made up my mind to stick it out with the pump and etc until his birthday on May 19.

On Monday the world just beat me down. There was the bombing at the Boston marathon, which I didn't follow that closely, but it was there. And then, this blog I mentioned in my last post, well her special needs son died. I haven't even followed her for a week, but I fell in love with her and cried for her loss. And there's a 20 year old girl who goes to our church who came down with a very critical illness. There were multiple teams at Vanderbilt working on her - it was Dr. House style levels. They have a diagnosis, but its just scary. Her parents are good people. I don't know her very well, but I know she is good people too. Two weeks ago I set myself some distinct limits from The Evil FB, but now I can't stay away from it. Its like if I stay away, something else bad will happen. I know that is not logical at all.

And in more positive news, I made a friend at the downtown library. She has a boy who is inbetween the ages of my boys. Its nice to find somebody new completely outside of my normal circles. I needed that. I spent a few months being down on myself as I watched other moms at the library storytimes. So many of them were friends and just have it so easy with their one child who doesn't run off. They look so cute and put together. But then there is me, I am showered, but no makeup or cute styling clothes. And I have two children under two who are not twins so yes, your statement of the obvious that I have my hands full is spot on. So next week my new friend and I are going to walk to the donut shop a few blocks away. It's minor, but to me it is important. This shy wallflower really needed that boost.

I had a witty title but I lost it, the title that is

I decided to go back to grad school this fall. Well, it's not set in stone because there are many things that must fall together first, but it's likely happening. I learned this week that I have to finish my program by fall 2016 or I lose it. Hopefully it will only be 2 days per week, we will see.

I am still on the losing streak. I am not quite at 10 percent down but close. It's time for new smaller jeans, and that is a very big deal.

I feel like when The Sgt reaches a year old that so many things get easier, but it's silliness. It will be the end of breast milk and formula (yes, the f word. I don't want to talk about it) and yes to peanut butter. Silliness.

I am blogging from the iPad, which makes intelligent posts with links impossible, but I have fallen in love with the writings of Rachel Held Evans. Her books are amazing intelligent works about Christianity and the breath of fresh air I needed.

Speaking of fresh air, spring and warmer weather has changed so much about my anxiety level and mental state. I am running now too and it feels awesomer than awesome.

The cutest cuteness is the way Firstborn says I love you.

And just because, here are some photos.

Seven things and its actually Friday. Whoa.

1. The 9-week biggest loser program I did ended this week. I didn't go to weigh in at week 8 because I got the stomach flu stuff my babies had that day. I also ate very little that week. Well, when I weighed in at the last week I had lost 8 lbs in 2 weeks. That is amazing. And I got second place! So, that (and a couple of backsliding mini junk binges) has me motivated to keep it up. I might have to start entering things in the evil MyFitnessPal/enemy too. Or not. But I'm feeling pretty good about it, and I have realized that the best workout thing for me is going to be 5K training. My challenge will always be finding ways to workout, eating a good breakfast and drinking at least a gallon of water each day.

2. I realized today that with 2 small kids, it is not worth the junk I have been going through at my current pediatrician and I need to switch. Luckily, the Evil FB helped me out and I'm going to switch to one in the part of town that is very hoity-toity but familiar to me. I won't go into detail about my morning, but I rushed to the doctor's office to catch their walk-in hours without eating breakfast with both boys (they ate) and waited 1.5 hours. With both boys. One of them feverish and the other one is 2 and needed a nap. It was awful. I was crying there and on the way home. The office manager insulted me. I am debating writing them a scathing letter. The only saving grace in the situation is the pediatrician gave me a good tip on breaking Firstborn of the paci and he told me I only had to call them if his fever spiked (he didn't have an infection, but the Sgt did). The scathing letter may happen because the actual doctors are not at fault, but a bad support staff is going to ruin their business.

3. I am seriously considering going back to graduate school. I contacted my real estate agent friend and it turns out he already hired someone. When I found out I was slightly disappointed, but then realized it wasn't for me anyway. I talked out my fears and frustrations with getting back into the grad program I was in vs. switching to one that is academically less difficult but less efficient. Between my mom and Dear Old Dad, who are both good at nudging me in the right direction, I think I am going to go for it and finish what I started.

4. All of my jeans are too big. That is awesome. I bought a skirt at Walmart yesterday and thought I would be daring and get an XL. Its been all XXL or maternity or nothing for a while. Well, its too big.

5. All of the clothes in the house are clean, folded and put away right this second. That feels like a real deal accomplishment.

6. The Sgt's Gummy Grin is turning toothy. Its cute and sad at the same time. He waves at everybody and talks about Buh, Dah, and tongue-clacking a lot. Sweet chubby sweetness. And tonight Firstborn said "night night" in addition to "bye bye" to me. Melting.

7. It makes me happy that its the weekend and the world is our oyster all day tomorrow. And that I thought of seven things. And that I have a library book to read and I'm about to go downstairs to read it and talk to my husband. Who I love. And makes me happy.

March

So all last month I thought about March looming closeby and that I am lucky we avoided getting sick. Not really in the same thought, but two different thoughts. See, March has been a monumental month for me for the last 3 years. I have probably discussed it before. In 2010 I lost my job, in 2011 my Firstborn pregnancy got scary, in 2012 I almost forgot I was pregnant while I panicked about our moving situation. And now in 2013 it started with The Sgt vomiting violently and then having a fever. Then Firstborn. And then yesterday it was me. I felt horrible and sad that my babies were sick too and feeling as bad as I did.

Luckily I feel better today, but yesterday I wanted to curse the month of March for the rest of my life. I had great plans for March, I was going to start running in the mornings. That hasn't happened yet. And I was a big cheaty cheater to the clean eating on Sunday night and convinced Dear Old Dad that we needed to go to Cici's because he had to have pizza.

Ug. Do-over.

So I have been pondering getting a job again. I love my babies and being around them, but after 2 years it is still getting to me. My options are to either become a real estate agent (something I am not sure I want to do but the money is a huge draw) or go back to grad school and finish my degree. The grad school thing is more desirable and alligns more with the long-term plan but the money isn't there.

OK. This narrative from my head is already boring.

It just occured to me that I have got to stop clinging to these "this month was bad last year and the year before" because its stupid. I could say the same thing about May and my babies. So instead I will focus on planting vegetables and herbs and on Firstborn's birthday party.

Yay for figuring something out!

It all started with 3 avocados

Y'all, I am jumping off the deep end with this clean eating stuff. Here is a list of tidbits to explain why:
- I might make my own whole wheat tortillas because I am annoyed with how many ingredients are in store-bought.
- I learned I can freeze avocado and that has changed my life. It allows me portion control because I only eat 1 or a half each day.
- my favorite way to eat avocados is with carrot slices
- I have lost 6 total pounds and I don't care. My body feels so much better about eating fruits and veggies.
- I want to find a way to buy part of a cow, then we can do steaks and burgers. And really reduce our chicken intake. Except for eggs, which must be cage free and local. Same goes for buying part of a pig and having our own bacon.
- I seriously need to grow tomatoes, green pepper and basil in my backyard. I should be researching that instead of writing this blog post.
- Although I haven't completely jumped on the organic train, I am now ticked about gmo crops.
- I lost my cravings for carbonated beverages.
- I read a lot of ingredient labels.
- I have also embraced the no shampoo lifestyle. I have been using baking soda and apple cider vinegar in my hair almost all month. I am not sure how I feel about it yet.
- One of my internal debates is "do I join a csa again or just go to farmers markets"
- I bought myself almond milk the other day, but only because I read the ingredients and did. Not find caraneegan (a cancer causing agent) on the ingredients list.


Ok. Yep. Deep end.